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Week 122: Feeling Grief and Joy at the Same Time? Experiencing Emotional Ambivalence 




One of the most surreal things I’ve learned since my daughter, Lil, has passed is that I can hold two or more opposing emotions at the same time. I can be happy and sad, while being angry and still find myself laughing. I can rage at the universe while also appreciating the strange, bittersweet moments life offers.

Why Do Grief and Happiness Coexist?

These contradictory emotions—feeling joy and sadness at once—are known as emotional ambivalence. It’s a natural and complex part of human psychology, especially in grief and healing.

How It Happens

Our emotions are complex; they exist on a spectrum and can coexist, even when they seem contradictory. This is why you might feel joy and sorrow in the same moment—because one part of you is experiencing something pleasurable, while another part holds onto loss or pain.

The Bittersweet Reality of Family Moments

For example, this week, my son and daughter came home from college for a few days. The four of us were together, and I cherished every moment.

My daughter, Nat, and I went shopping for graduation dresses- we bantered with each other over her trying on various barely-there dresses; she ignored my advice but took my credit card. My son, Zach, and I stopped at In-N-Out and Crumbl, talking about his college antics and laughing over our favorite treats. My mom came over for a visit, and we all played Rummikub, the twins teasing me over my lack of math skills - just like they always do. It was quality time, and I relished every minute.

And yet, even in those joyful moments, I felt the ache of my first born’s absence. I can never bring myself to say that our family is together—I always just say the four of us - because it never truly will be a family again. I feel the joy in the moment while holding on to the pain of her passing.

Examples of Emotional Ambivalence in Grief

• Laughing while grieving – You might find humor in a situation, even in the midst of deep sorrow. This doesn’t mean you aren’t grieving; it means you’re human.

• Feeling love and anger – You can deeply love someone while also feeling frustrated or even resentful toward them or the situation. (To see my personal story on anger and frustration in grief go here: https://lifeafterlil.blogspot.com/2025/03/120-weeks.html)

• Moving forward but holding on – You might embrace life’s new moments while still carrying grief, never truly “moving on” but learning to live alongside the loss.

The Meaning Behind It

This was hard for me to grasp at first, but with the help of my therapist I began to realize that this is actually a good sign that I am healing and that rather than being a sign of contradiction, holding opposing emotions is a sign of emotional depth. 

It’s part of the grief journey to integrate loss into our life rather than trying to erase or replace it. It allows for healing while honoring the weight of what was lost. Having compassion for ourselves as we navigate these feelings is a way to find peace on this bumpy road we find ourselves on.

How Are You Navigating Grief?

Have you experienced moments where joy and sadness coexisted? How are you integrating grief into your life now?

I’d love to hear your thoughts—share in the comments, or if this resonated with you, consider following me for more reflections on grief and healing. You’re not alone on this journey.

  

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